Honest Scrap, Honestly

Since it came from Deepak, I will have to accept it, irrespective of the discomfort and emostional atyachaar. So Dude, here's a one for you.

Ok 10 honest things about me:
1. My most prized possession is my night vision binoculars.
2. I was addicted to cocaine
3. I don’t sleep
4. I had sex with 2 girls at a time
5. I have seen a ghost
6. I lie

Oops!!! The honesty thing got me. Ok no more fooling around.

10 honest things about me, honestly
1. I am a diehard fan of South Park, Prison Break, Friends and Calvin & Hobbes. I can just keep myself indulged for hours and days and weeks. For months!?Not quite sure as I have never tried it.

2. I am addicted to smoking. Every day I am the cause of transforming almost 20 beautiful white sticks into ashes. I was a crackpot once to smoke 45 cigarettes on a trot to win a challenge. I have been trying to quit as soon as I started smoking.

3. I can go on for 5 days without sleeping, 3 days without eating and a week with the same underwear. Why not more? God have been kind enough.

4. The only time, you will find my eyes moist is during watching Rang De Basanti, Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani, Sholay, October Sky, Armageddon, Sweet November, Seven Pounds and If Only.

5. Shantaram, Atlas Shrugged and The Pilgrimage are the only three novels which I started reading, liked but never completed it. I lost Shantaram twice. There was always something more important whenever I touched Atlas Shrugged. The Pilgrimage ….. I don’t know what happened. Now I am not interested.

6. I always get nervous travelling to big cities. However, for past 8 years I have lived in cities like Delhi, Kolkata, Hyderabad, Aurangabad and now Gurgaon. Not to mention I had a time of my life in all these cities.

7. I intentionally missed two b-schools interview after preparing and attending the GD/Induction. IMI-Delhi to take the harshest decision of my life. Few weeks later TAPMI to play NFS (actually to stop thinking). Once in a while I still think about it.

8. I am passionate about basketball. Not seeing it but playing it. The last time I played was in my MBA first year 3 probably 4 years back. Prior to that the last full fledged game I played was on one leg in Std XII.

9. Initially, I believed I will grow up to be a cricketer. Then few years later I wanted to be in army. Post that a businessman. Presently, I want to establish what I want.

10. I have no idea what else to write wherein I can be completely honest. I always thought I was a bit more honest than other people.

Deepak next time I visit Pune, you must/should/shall be ready with the following:

1. 3 wraps


2. A bottle of Bacardi


3. Your Black Ass

The career, the desire and the means

Three things have been occupying me for quite some time:


· Where am I going career wise?

· I need to buy a Sony 37" LCD

· What is important the means or the end?


Career wise, I have created a need for me for my boss. However, if that need was more from the organization front, then my career would have been flying high. I will get the desired promotions and increments but the satisfaction from within is missing. I am doing bits and pieces of everything totally driven by my boss's whims and fantasies. A bit of branding, a bit of advertisement, a bit of research, a bit of co-ordination, a bit of operations, a bit of admin .... to cut it short tid bits of everything. I don't know how much longer I would be able to keep my spirit up.


Sony LCD, well I am financially constrained. So for now I have to just look at it from a distance and wish to embrace it. It is a one sided love where I am the poor one hoping to woo the rich and beautiful one.


Now, about means or end. A pat on the back or a knot in the stomach? I feel that the end is much more important than the means. How many people were within an inch of the end but got lost in the history books. The one who are etched in our memories are the ones who made it. Also, what is the right path? Who arrived at it? How was it developed? Is it absolute? A right path 10 years back is not the right path now! It changes and evolves. The text book is a manifestation of everything which has been experienced or discovered through practice. The idea of the end/objective should be very clear and absolute. It has to be reached some way or the other. Then the theories are challenged and the right path questioned. New things discovered. Abacus led to calculator which led to computers and the story of evolution continues. If you are a master at using an abacus, go for it and if I am proficient with computers, I would use it. What matters is the completion of objective.

Let’s hypothetically assume that there exists a perfect and right process. Then the fun part would go out of the window. There will be no mistakes, no imperfections. Something like a machine, input -> process -> output. Where’s the human touch, our intelligence, our nature to evolve. It will be so boring to lead life in monotony.

Work get assigned, a very tight deadline is set. The process of completion starts with a weak plan in the head. As it progresses, the loopholes become apparent. We adapt, we change and modify to achieve a greater plan. The loopholes etched in our sub-conscious. The same work gets assigned again but this time the planning will be done taking into consideration the incidents which happened last time round. This is what is known as experience. Our bosses sitting at high places are paid not to work but to share their experience to do the work in an efficient manner.



Another factor which needs to be considered is the externalities. At this point a series which I saw during my MBA days and later was aired on Star World by the name PRISON BREAK comes back to me again and again. It is a story of two brothers. Elder one was serving a death sentence for a murder which he didn’t commit. The younger brother, gifted with ingenious capabilities, decides to save the day for his brother. He plans and plans and plans. He gets tattooed all across his body. The elements of the tattoo contained the plans in the form of maps, the phone numbers, the address etc. He took every possibility in consideration while deciding the process. The nuts and bolt screwed in the bench, the inmates, their desires and weaknesses. The perfect plan. There were no questions which was left unanswered. However, the problem was that his brain was not that gifted to ask more questions, to see more possibilities. Suddenly, the plan looked like a house of nine pins surviving on a tenterhook. He had to adapt, he had to change the plans, change the process, and change the means to reach the final objective.

Externalities exist, mistakes happen, technology changes, ideologies are different but what remains absolute is the end, the final destination. If the final destination remains clear, every bit of the jigsaw puzzle would be in place sooner or later.

Finally, the cuckoo sang

Sometimes one just wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. The moment you open your eyes nothing feels right, the head is heavy, the body lazy and the day demanding. Today was one of those days. It's so easy to open your eyes sometimes yet it's so difficult to wake up.

Already late, ran out of my house to find a rickshaw in an attempt to reach office in time. The stop was devoid of rickshaws. What the *#@* !!! Scampered another 200 meters to find one but no luck. The clock seems to tick faster on such days. Finally a god sent rickshaw stopped by the way but his demands were godly too. How did he knew that I was willing to pay anything under the sky for a rickshaw today? A clear cut instruction about the destination was provided to him.

Finally we marched forward. The traffic jams are usual here at morning hours. Needless to mention the horns blare too loud on days such as these.

It seemed that the clear cut instruction went for a toss and the idiot took me for a ride. Since, I am new here, every new turn seem a new possibility for me. That was my mistake. Ran again for 100 - 150 meters to find another rickshaw. Finally I was in office, 1 min before the scheduled time.

I looked down upon the list of jobs which needed my attention. It comprised largely of coordination and follow up jobs. Lots of phone call today and lo! my phone is not fully charged.

Did I mention there was no power from 2o'clock in the night? People would not pick up my calls, so the running starts again. 1st floor to 3rd floor to 5th floor back to 3rd floor.... it goes on. Even the security person sitting at the gate started getting irritated every time I approach the exit gate on my floor. However, most of the work was done. Few people do picked up the phone but were too busy to pay attention. I don't blame them.

Walked back to home, Gurgaon is expensive places to stay you know. Need to save some money. Even before I entered my house, my roomie informed me that there was still no electricity. No that was not the end, no water as well. Stood outside my house and started weighing my options. Finally after 45 mins or so the electrician comes and charges a sum of Rs. 120 just to adjust a wire. I was too tired to argue, wrote a application to SDO and handed him the money.

The food arrives, but the room was a mess and so was my head. Decided to clean it and every possible use of water seemed like a necessity. Although I know there is no water. You open your lunch with great expectations and desire. Besan ki sabji!!!, no no I don't hate it. I loathe it. There was a time I vomited from the sheer smell of it. Since the time has changed, I ate the rest distastefully of whatever was offered.

That was one hell of a day, fraught with difficulties and unwanted challenges. But when I will look back to this day, I won’t remember it for no power or no water or filthy food or crappy people. I would remember this day for someone giving words to her thoughts. One may or may not be physically close, but being able to feel her excitement and her sadness and her anger. Squinting her eyes, making a face, taking a second to get her thoughts together. The images keep forming as you read through. It is magic. It has to be.

It took a long persuasion and lots of taunt but the cuckoo finally sang.

Questions # 4

The heart remains divided between being good and speaking out my mind. Let them have it. Unmask myself and show them the real deal. I have understood that politeness invariably leads to being taken for granted. Expectations to disappointment.

How many times one need to fall before able to walk properly?

How many times would it end before the actual ending?

Marriage #1

The idea of marriage has been lingering for quite some time. Although aware of its obvious presence, I always found a convenient excuse to avoid a confrontation. I would turn my back to it, close my eyes and better yet leave the darn place. The idea was to balance my own wishes with the wishes of the family. Also, to avoid a unnecessary outburst of emotions.

In no way abusing/disregarding/mocking the sanctity of marriage, I don't want to get married as of now. In the first place, I am quite unsure whether I want to get married at all. In all this, I couldn't understand how I am challenging the existence and laws of the society. "Even if I do challenge?" is another question which is constantly pinching me. Eventually, will I or won't I is something which the future would enfold.

Indian marriages are like gamble, you lose all or you win all. To eliminate (rather to minimize) the risk of losing all, the pre-marriage evaluation of families, brides and grooms digs deep into their caste, family tree, bad habits if any (not only the persons directly concerned but their uncles, aunts, grandparents ...... the list is endless), financial stability etc etc and etc. However, this process is not full proof. Mistakes do happen. The sacred marriage then becomes a contract which needs to be honored despite two person's life falling apart.

I am not against marriage, I just don't know. It is something like I don't know whether god exist or not. I am agnostic towards the idea of such marriages.

I am going to share my entire life with a person. I am going to grow with this person and she with me. Shouldn't it be a person with whom I can have a decent conversation? Someone who is willing to see life, the way I see it. One, who will support even if I set forward to fulfill my weirdest of dream, would respect my space, my freedom and my decisions. Not ask too many questions to weigh my act in light of objectivity and rationality.

Let me quote Kahlil Gibran,

"Then Almitra spoke again and said. And what of marriage, master?
And he answered saying:
You were born together and together you shall be for evermore.
You shall be together when the white sings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heaven dance between you.
Love one another, but make no bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver the same music.
Give your hearts but into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And oak tree and cypress grow not in each other's shadow. "

This is how I would like my marriage to be, unbound yet faithful, passionate yet caring, intense yet serene. To have a girl like that, I could not rely on the social system of marriage. It took 20 years to discover a perfect fit ("It was magic" - Sleepless in Seattle) and another six years to rediscover that magic.

"Till I saw her face shining in the sun,

Oh Lord! I sang praises of your creation.

Now I wait from dawn to dusk to see your magic in her face"

So, my elder ones, please understand. Support me in my endevour.

The carrot

A carrot dangles in front of my eyes...... I run with all my might, to claim it ........ The carrot still remains far ..... May be, I am not running hard enough ..... I try harder ...... The carrot still remains far ....... What's wrong?..... May be, I am not running properly....... I get trained ....... Back to the race and the carrot still dangles ...... Why? Why? Why? ....... I loose hope ...... I get motivational gyan ......... once more in the race ...... the carrot dangles still.

The idea of having a carrot takes the same place as the idea of first love. Haunting, fascinating, joyous, warm, pure yet too far. You get used to the running. It doesn't matter anymore and my heart is convinced of me at least running........ The carrot still dangles afar. The mouth still waters. Only this time, the carrot has changed.